February and why I hate it…

Nice positive post title from me! πŸ˜‚ However, it is sadly true. February is the month I hate the most. But I have some pretty justified reasons.

12 years ago on the 10th of February, my amazing Grandad (aka, Gaga) passed away. I was 19. It was my first experience of a close family member passing away and it was really hard. It was on my Nan’s birthday which made the whole passing even harder. My Nan herself had just had a bad stroke and was in a recovery hospital having physio due to that so couldn’t even be there when it happened. Horrible times.

Fast forward to 2011, my Nan passed away on the 5th of February. Due to family circumstances, I was left to deal with her estate and affairs, not an easy task!

Fast forward to 2013… a few days into the year, my dad had to have an operation. He had been diagnosed with bladder cancer a couple of years before, and had sessions of chemo and radiotherapy. We found out early on he had secondary cancer of the bone and there was no cure. His cancer was aggressive, and he had a couple of surgeries on his bladder to try to clear the tumours. This led to ongoing issues and the cancer just kept regrowing, so the decision was made for him to have a stoma and have his bladder removed. A few days into January 2013, I took dad to the hospital to have the surgery. All seemed well initially, however once he was home it became clear that things weren’t right. He spent a weekend at home before returning to the hospital. It was found there were issues with the bowels, which had been operated on to remove a section to be used for the stoma. Despite 2 further surgeries, things deteriorated for my dad. He had a 3rd and final emergency surgery at the end of January which looked to be good, but a few hours later he took a turn for the worse and ended up in intensive care.

He spent the next 16 days fighting for his life, but he was just too poorly. He was heavily sedated and sometime during that period he had a massive stroke and was completely changed. On February 16th, dad finally gave up his fight. He was so incredibly strong and he is forever my hero.

Losing my dad was the worst time of my life. The year of firsts was horrendous. I still miss him like mad, and can’t believe its now coming up to the 6th anniversary of him passing, it doesn’t seem possible. A year after he passed, I had a massive breakdown, caused by delayed grief. I suffered awful panic attacks and my depression was at an all time high. Although I am on the whole alot better than I was, I still suffer with anxiety.

So now every February I get terrified that someone I love will pass away… crazy as it sounds! But that is why I hate February. Hopefully something thing more positive will come in my next post…!



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